Archive for January 28, 2015

Quote(s) of the Day: Until Abortion Ends

There are few things in life more satisfying than pissing off anti-abortion activists. Personally, I love my monthly abortion vacations, where I infuriate conservative relatives AND lose a little weight at the same time! So when I see pro-lifers actively removing any source of joy in their lives, it’s like hands-free schadenfreude. Below are some of my favourite attempts to bribe (or blackmail?) God into banning abortion for every fetus on the planet forever.

Until Abortion Ends #untilabortionends Butterfingers

Happily depriving myself of Butterfingers, my favorite candy bar, until babies are no longer deprived of LIFE, Even if that means i will never eat one again!!(:

call-of-duty-jesus-parody

Until abortion ends I will no longer play Call of Duty. Once abortion ends I will play Call of Duty all day.

gary-spivey-white-afro-psychic

A few years ago I grew out my hair because I thought it would be fun to have an afro. I became known as “AfroSam.” I cut it off because I hated the attention it won me.

I will not cut my hair until abortion ends. Everytime someone asks about my afro, they will know that abortion is the cause.

We love taco bell, but its loss will remind us of the severity of abortion. We believe that some day we will take our children to taco bell in celebration of the illegalization of child-killing in America. We believe we are fighting a winning battle and one day this country will wake up and be horrified that she is responsible for a holocaust of innocent babies. Goodbye, for now, Taco Bell. But we will meet again.

pokemon-dialga-coathanger

I have loved Pokemon as long as I can remember. But I love babies being born more. So untill abortion end I will no longer view pokemems or buy anything Pokemon related.

I have chosen to give up the comfort of sleeping in a bed or on my simply sack chair, which is super amazingly comfortable.

Latvian – African Civil Welfare Project: from the heroes who brought you /gamergate/

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I just want to start by saying that no feat is too great, no task too arduous when done for the love of ones clan and blood. I have a hope for this future to prevail. And I know you can all see it too. It’s an ember, but with just the right amount of breath it can become a raging fire. And all of Africa will see it’s beautiful glow in the night sky. Call it Southwest Africa, call it New Rhodesia, Call it whatever you want.
But what it really is, is an idea born from desperation and love for a dying culture and a people under systematic attack.
This idea will live, and we, you and I will be the lucky few to which they will teach the children in generations to come.

namibia-entry-requirements

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<+Dindu> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ephebophilia
<+Dindu> what’s wrong with this?
<@niipah> Nothing wrong with it
<@niipah> Only reason we have to be 18 now is due to feminism
<@niipah> But back in the day having sex with 14 and up was common
<+Spongy> Can we not promote “pedo shit” I can put up with like 16 but 14 fuck man
<@niipah> Pedo shit is below puberty
<+Dindu> Nah I agree, I just think anything below 18 is dumb
<@niipah> Hebe shit is above puberty
<+Dindu> Pedo being labeled as below 18*
<@niipah> 14 and up should be acceptable

namibia-linux

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namibia-sneaking-in

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 <+widethroat> how long will it take for this project to become something presentable outside of the chans? when it gets to the point where its presentable to investors i have quite a few useful contacts
<+Cultist> i think it’s already to that point, widethroat

namibia-screencapping

white MRAs can’t dance

I was watching DaddyDaDa’s excellent “Treat All Women With Respect” this morning:

After boppin’ along to the chill tunes, I jived down to the comments to share the grooviness. Imagine my surprise to find a rewritten version of the song for men!

Drew NA wasn’t happy with the message of “don’t hit women”, so he wrote his musical response, “don’t take men’s money first you silly bitches”:

One, two, three four
No more men to be ignored

Treat all us men with respect
What you give, is what you get
Treat all the men with respect, I say

Heads up girls – I’m talking to you,
Men have it tough — so what ya gonna do?
False accusations are not the way to go,
No proxy violence — and no beating boys,
It’s just wrong – and illegal too.
Resentment grows from the abuse you do,
Men feel powerless from a lack of protection,
But men’ll still lend a heartful extention.

Show empathy — don’t throw stuff,
True love is not that rough.
Work your job — and pay for half,
Making us pay does not make us laugh.

Treat all us men with respect
What you give, is what you get
Treat all the men with respect, I say

Don’t be an evil momma and push him away,
Be honest — don’t lie about the father.
When we father, it’s just the beginning,
The courts and child leave the mother grinning,
Those are the tools for an 18-year pay day.
Fathers want to have time with their kids,
But we cannot, with no parental rights.
Reverse the vicious cyle – of abandonment, abuse
Let us know our child, love our child, and provide, too;
He might need us to respect you, too.

Treat all us men with respect
What you give, is what you get
Treat all the men with respect, I say

One, two, three, four
No more fathers from the doooooooor

Now gents out there —  I am talking to you,
If you say no when she comes onto you
It’s okay to say no, you’re still not gay.
Now put in the work to be good at school,
If you don’t — society won’t help
They ignore you to help that woman!
Don’t fall for a woman who isolates you,
A real woman will be happy you have friends!
Too many gentlemen end up feeling broken,
Repeating a cycle – that must be broken.
Respect yourself and leave her who throws stuff,
Find a good woman who won’t silence you

One, two, three, four
No more men abused at the store

Treat all us men with respect
What you give, is what you get
Treat all the men with respect, I say

Treat all us men with respect
What you give, is what you get
Treat all the men with respect, I say

Treat all us men with respect
What you give, is what you get
Treat all the men with respect, I say

One, two, three, four
We are men to be adored!

Personally, I’m happy to see members of the men’s rights community embrace music and other creative endeavours as a way to get their feelings out. My dream is to one day see noted feminists and MRAs duking it out in a sick-ass rap battle, and today we are one step closer to that dream.

From the Archives: Vampire Health

Back in 2011, I wrote a few articles for a little-known comedy blog that has since disappeared from the internet. Luckily a few of my old posts are on archive.org, and since writing new content is so hard, I’m reposting them here. I’ll start off with Vampire Health, which is the best vampire article I have ever written and also the best vitamin article. I’ve removed blog references and links but it’s otherwise unedited, so you can see what my writing looked like when I was younger and had a team of other people stopping me from posting stupid shit.

Also it’s worth noting that vampirehealth.com went down in late 2011, not long after this was first posted. Now I’m not saying I’m responsible for that, but as you all know I am kind of a big deal in the Vampyr community, so…


Back in May, we ran an article covering the vampire subculture which was met with much wailing and gnashing of fangs from the vampirically inclined. As it turns out, the vampire is a very complex and fragile creature with many health issues:

Yeah, I find that energy drinks don't help with my health problems either. Maybe I'm a vampire too!

Yeah, I find that energy drinks don’t help with my health problems either. Maybe I’m a vampire too!

Prompted by a query regarding vampire vitamin regimes, many vampires offered up their tips and tricks to a long and healthy life of… immortality. Apparently, just drinking blood doesn’t cut it! Vampires are prone to a number of rare conditions which have not yet been granted legitimacy by mainstream medicine. Dedicated teams of vampire scientists have rigourously tested cures for these debilitating illnesses and have developed a number of medicines which a vampire must take to remain healthy. Many websites offer these strange concoctions for sale to vampires, and one that came highly recommended in the comments was Vampire Health. In the interest of public knowledge, we’ve inspected the products on offer and our findings are reproduced below.

Health Warning: Do not take any of the below medications unless you are actually a vampire and have been instructed by a vampiric professional. Misuse of vampire supplements can be deadly.

You don't even get to live forever? This vampire thing sucks!

You don’t even get to live forever? This vampire thing sucks!

A first glance at the Vampire Health website shows a nice, neat layout with a stylish logo, which is a far cry from most vampire websites. I guess they could afford to hire a real web designer. It’s the type of site that instinctively makes you feel you are in good hands, even if those hands are deathly pale and ice cold to the touch.

There are six products on offer. The first is apparently known as a “calcium supplement”, whatever that is: let’s take a closer look.

What are these strange scientific terms? What do they mean? Only vampires know.

What are these strange scientific terms? What do they mean? Only vampires know.

The description of this supplement tells you, “The last thing you should focus on while playing, chasing or biting, are your bones and teeth.” I have to wonder if this was mislisted; it sounds more like it should be on “Pet Health.”

OK, I can see how you could get dogs and vampires confused.

OK, I can see how you could get dogs and vampires confused.

Next on the list is a garlic supplement—wait, what?

Everything I know is a lie!

Everything I know is a lie!

At least they got rid of the odor, I guess. And you can rest easy knowing that the product is safe for everyone: “Garlic has numerous effects which promote good health, none of which involve the killing or harming of the living or undead.” What a relief!

You may have noticed by now that the products at Vampire Health are advertised as “vegetarian.” It is yet to be established why a creature that literally feeds off the energy of others would be concerned about animal products.

The next supplement I looked at was out of stock. Quite unfortunate, because I’d really like to know what these are.

Please tell me this is a vampire aphrodisiac.

Please tell me this is a vampire aphrodisiac.

The remaining three products, in order of bizarreness:

  • Vitamin D, for the vampire who doesn’t get as much sunlight as he needs
  • Melatonin, for the vampire who wants to stay up late at night
  • Pomegranate, for the vampire who wants to increase his longevity from “immortal” to “super immortal”… through the use of free radicals

Of course, as in any community of supernatural creatures, there is trouble reaching a consensus. Many vampires don’t believe in using supplements at all!

You idiot! You're making us look like crackpots! Now, about those invisible energy fields...

You idiot! You’re making us look like crackpots! Now, about those invisible energy fields…

There is one thing that we know all vampires will agree on, though: people on the internet are big meanies, and anyone who judges their lifestyle just isn’t intelligent enough to understand it.