Back in 2011, I wrote a few articles for a little-known comedy blog that has since disappeared from the internet. Luckily a few of my old posts are on archive.org, and since writing new content is so hard, I’m reposting them here. I’ll start off with Vampire Health, which is the best vampire article I have ever written and also the best vitamin article. I’ve removed blog references and links but it’s otherwise unedited, so you can see what my writing looked like when I was younger and had a team of other people stopping me from posting stupid shit.
Also it’s worth noting that vampirehealth.com went down in late 2011, not long after this was first posted. Now I’m not saying I’m responsible for that, but as you all know I am kind of a big deal in the Vampyr community, so…
Back in May, we ran an article covering the vampire subculture which was met with much wailing and gnashing of fangs from the vampirically inclined. As it turns out, the vampire is a very complex and fragile creature with many health issues:
Prompted by a query regarding vampire vitamin regimes, many vampires offered up their tips and tricks to a long and healthy life of… immortality. Apparently, just drinking blood doesn’t cut it! Vampires are prone to a number of rare conditions which have not yet been granted legitimacy by mainstream medicine. Dedicated teams of vampire scientists have rigourously tested cures for these debilitating illnesses and have developed a number of medicines which a vampire must take to remain healthy. Many websites offer these strange concoctions for sale to vampires, and one that came highly recommended in the comments was Vampire Health. In the interest of public knowledge, we’ve inspected the products on offer and our findings are reproduced below.
Health Warning: Do not take any of the below medications unless you are actually a vampire and have been instructed by a vampiric professional. Misuse of vampire supplements can be deadly.
A first glance at the Vampire Health website shows a nice, neat layout with a stylish logo, which is a far cry from most vampire websites. I guess they could afford to hire a real web designer. It’s the type of site that instinctively makes you feel you are in good hands, even if those hands are deathly pale and ice cold to the touch.
There are six products on offer. The first is apparently known as a “calcium supplement”, whatever that is: let’s take a closer look.
The description of this supplement tells you, “The last thing you should focus on while playing, chasing or biting, are your bones and teeth.” I have to wonder if this was mislisted; it sounds more like it should be on “Pet Health.”
Next on the list is a garlic supplement—wait, what?
At least they got rid of the odor, I guess. And you can rest easy knowing that the product is safe for everyone: “Garlic has numerous effects which promote good health, none of which involve the killing or harming of the living or undead.” What a relief!
You may have noticed by now that the products at Vampire Health are advertised as “vegetarian.” It is yet to be established why a creature that literally feeds off the energy of others would be concerned about animal products.
The next supplement I looked at was out of stock. Quite unfortunate, because I’d really like to know what these are.
The remaining three products, in order of bizarreness:
- Vitamin D, for the vampire who doesn’t get as much sunlight as he needs
- Melatonin, for the vampire who wants to stay up late at night
- Pomegranate, for the vampire who wants to increase his longevity from “immortal” to “super immortal”… through the use of free radicals
Of course, as in any community of supernatural creatures, there is trouble reaching a consensus. Many vampires don’t believe in using supplements at all!
There is one thing that we know all vampires will agree on, though: people on the internet are big meanies, and anyone who judges their lifestyle just isn’t intelligent enough to understand it.