Tag Archive for vampires

From the Archives: Vampire Health

Back in 2011, I wrote a few articles for a little-known comedy blog that has since disappeared from the internet. Luckily a few of my old posts are on archive.org, and since writing new content is so hard, I’m reposting them here. I’ll start off with Vampire Health, which is the best vampire article I have ever written and also the best vitamin article. I’ve removed blog references and links but it’s otherwise unedited, so you can see what my writing looked like when I was younger and had a team of other people stopping me from posting stupid shit.

Also it’s worth noting that vampirehealth.com went down in late 2011, not long after this was first posted. Now I’m not saying I’m responsible for that, but as you all know I am kind of a big deal in the Vampyr community, so…


Back in May, we ran an article covering the vampire subculture which was met with much wailing and gnashing of fangs from the vampirically inclined. As it turns out, the vampire is a very complex and fragile creature with many health issues:

Yeah, I find that energy drinks don't help with my health problems either. Maybe I'm a vampire too!

Yeah, I find that energy drinks don’t help with my health problems either. Maybe I’m a vampire too!

Prompted by a query regarding vampire vitamin regimes, many vampires offered up their tips and tricks to a long and healthy life of… immortality. Apparently, just drinking blood doesn’t cut it! Vampires are prone to a number of rare conditions which have not yet been granted legitimacy by mainstream medicine. Dedicated teams of vampire scientists have rigourously tested cures for these debilitating illnesses and have developed a number of medicines which a vampire must take to remain healthy. Many websites offer these strange concoctions for sale to vampires, and one that came highly recommended in the comments was Vampire Health. In the interest of public knowledge, we’ve inspected the products on offer and our findings are reproduced below.

Health Warning: Do not take any of the below medications unless you are actually a vampire and have been instructed by a vampiric professional. Misuse of vampire supplements can be deadly.

You don't even get to live forever? This vampire thing sucks!

You don’t even get to live forever? This vampire thing sucks!

A first glance at the Vampire Health website shows a nice, neat layout with a stylish logo, which is a far cry from most vampire websites. I guess they could afford to hire a real web designer. It’s the type of site that instinctively makes you feel you are in good hands, even if those hands are deathly pale and ice cold to the touch.

There are six products on offer. The first is apparently known as a “calcium supplement”, whatever that is: let’s take a closer look.

What are these strange scientific terms? What do they mean? Only vampires know.

What are these strange scientific terms? What do they mean? Only vampires know.

The description of this supplement tells you, “The last thing you should focus on while playing, chasing or biting, are your bones and teeth.” I have to wonder if this was mislisted; it sounds more like it should be on “Pet Health.”

OK, I can see how you could get dogs and vampires confused.

OK, I can see how you could get dogs and vampires confused.

Next on the list is a garlic supplement—wait, what?

Everything I know is a lie!

Everything I know is a lie!

At least they got rid of the odor, I guess. And you can rest easy knowing that the product is safe for everyone: “Garlic has numerous effects which promote good health, none of which involve the killing or harming of the living or undead.” What a relief!

You may have noticed by now that the products at Vampire Health are advertised as “vegetarian.” It is yet to be established why a creature that literally feeds off the energy of others would be concerned about animal products.

The next supplement I looked at was out of stock. Quite unfortunate, because I’d really like to know what these are.

Please tell me this is a vampire aphrodisiac.

Please tell me this is a vampire aphrodisiac.

The remaining three products, in order of bizarreness:

  • Vitamin D, for the vampire who doesn’t get as much sunlight as he needs
  • Melatonin, for the vampire who wants to stay up late at night
  • Pomegranate, for the vampire who wants to increase his longevity from “immortal” to “super immortal”… through the use of free radicals

Of course, as in any community of supernatural creatures, there is trouble reaching a consensus. Many vampires don’t believe in using supplements at all!

You idiot! You're making us look like crackpots! Now, about those invisible energy fields...

You idiot! You’re making us look like crackpots! Now, about those invisible energy fields…

There is one thing that we know all vampires will agree on, though: people on the internet are big meanies, and anyone who judges their lifestyle just isn’t intelligent enough to understand it.


 

TEAM MORON

~TWILIGHT OATH~

I promise to remember Bella
Each time I carelessly fall down
And I promise to remember Edward
Whenever I’m out of town
I promise to obey traffic laws
For Charlies sake of course
And I promise to remember Jacob
When my heart fills with remorse
I promise to remember Carlisle
When ever I am in the Emergency Room
And I promise to remember Emmett
Every time there’s a huge boom
I promise to to remember Rosalie
Whenever I see something that holds pure beauty
And I promise to remember Alice
When I’m at a mall and a cute outfit spots me
I promise to remember Renesmee
When I see that beautiful bronze hair.
And I promise to remember Esme
When someone tells me they care
I promise to remember Jasper
Whenever my stomach isn’t curled
And I promise to remember the Volturi
When someone speaks of dominating the world
Yes I promise to love Twilight
Wherever I may go
So that all may see my obsession
Because I know what the Twilighters know.
Twilight isn’t an obsession…
it’s a way of live you know…

The Cullens artwork by deviantart user Llallira